Hide my weakness
by Fan-Of-The-Sun
Summary: When Jasper slips up again he falls into depression. Can the Cullen family find a way to help him and help him cope with the situation. Canaon pairing!
1. Chapter 1

**Jaspers Pov**

**Diclaimer: I do not own anything. Stephanie Meyer owns Twilight**

**A/N**** While writing this I listened to Deary Agony by Breaking Benjamin**

I sat in our room, playing a slow piece on my guitar. I used to play it when I was with the others in civil war. Some parts of this piece were really sad, but they gave me hope. And that's what I need now.

It has been just yesterday when I had slipped again. A little girl, maybe 5. She has been in the animal park in the forest around Forks.

I was hunting... I felt only speed, thirst, power and thirst again. But suddenly this scent. I couldn't resist. I ran, my legs not moving fast enough for my mind. Then I was finally there. My theese rammed in the soft flesh and a warm gush of blood pooled in my mouth. But here body was dry way too fast.

Then a restaining hand grabbed my shoulder from behinde. It was Carlisle. He looked at me with his eyes pleading for me to say that this wasn't true. Propally my eyes were red by now. Carlisle still gazed at me. I couldn't bear it. Instinctly I grabbed his hands and took them not as gentle as I wanted to off my shoulders. He looked at me with worried eyes and asked me to follow him.

When we came in the house, I remained in the doorway, my head bowed in shame. Why me? It's always me who has to do that. When I still didn't look up Alice gently took my hand. She caressed me and then held them gently over the place where my heart should beat. I knew waht she meant. _I'm here for you._ But as I felt that there was nothing beating in me I just couldn't help it. A wave of grief and reget flew across the room. It had hit. There was nothing beating inside me. I didn't have a beating heart. Mine was cold as ice and motionless as a stone. How could somebody love with an unbeating heart. How could somebody _be_ loved without this. I looked up in Alice's eyes. Then I turned away. I would run. I would run from myself. I would run from memories and my past. The only problem, how do you run from yourself. I was only out the door and at the edge of the forest surrounding the house when I heard Carlisle sent Emmet after me. But I wanted time alone. Time to think about me failing. When noticed the rush of air behinde me. I turned around and saw Emmet coming behinde me. "Just let me alone, bro!" "Oh come on Jasper, it happens to everyone now and then.", he said grinning.

" Don't you thing that everytime it happens it is one time to much. I killed a _human._"

"But we hunt animals too. Just come home with me." He tried to talk reason into me.

"Em, humans have minds, past and future, they can _remember_!" I snapped, and much too guiet for him to hear, I added, "and _I_ can, too."

With that I ran deeper into the forest, leaving Emmett behinde me.

After about an half hour of storming around the forest, I noticed something...I wan't tired. A humen would have puffled by now, would have a fast heartbeat. But me, I still didn't feel anything. I was too strong for those small fragil humans. In every film there was something that could stopp the big bad monster. But this was reallity, I was a vampire and no human could bring me down.

_I'm a monste, I deserve to die. I'm a monster I deserve to die..._ I kept repeating in my head. That would be best. Or would it. No it would not. When I died Alice would be alone, the family would be broken. I couldn't do that, it would be kind of selfish. I had to find an other way, I had to control myself...

**This was my first Fanfic so please don't be too hard. If you see any big writing misstakes please tell me. **

***cough* reviews would be nice*cough***

**RedEyedGirl21 x**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight**

**Chapter 2: Asking for permission**

**Jasper's POV**

I still sat there in the forest for about an hour but soon I remembered why I hadn't killed myself yet. My family was at home, my love was at home. Even through I didn't want to see their faces starring at me in shock and disbelieve, I had to see them. Make sure they are okay. In my human life it had happened often enought, that I came to the camp and somebody was missing. I raced faster through the forest my mind focused on my love.

Then finally I came home. They must have heard me run up the driveway because all of them were outside. I went straight to Alice and kissed her lightly on the forehead. I knew she tried to act happy but acually the was really scared for me.

"Sorry", I said, "can we go inside?" After the whole family had stepped inside the living room, I had already made my decision. I wanted to be a good vampire, as human as possible.

"Well, as you all know I have...some problems with our diet. And I want to stop these problems. The killing. I go to Hightschool everyday but it doesn't seem as if this is enough to practise my selfcontrol. So I thought about how I could learn better."

They all looked at me in different ways. Carlisle and Esme were concerned, Edward was curious, Emmet impressed and Rosalie loked as if she wasn't paying attention. But what gave me hope were Alice's eyes. They were full of love and trust. They gave me the strength to carry on.

" I think nobody can deny that of everyone in this room Carlisle has the greatest selfcontrol. And where did he get it? In a hospital. Around blood and humans. That's a challenge. And I'd like to take this challenge. I want to practise this."

Emmet's mouth hung open. I would have laughed if the situation hadn't been so serious.

"If you didn't get it by now, I want to work as a Junior Doctor at the hospital..."

Suddenly the emotions came over me like the rain in a storm. I couldn't take it. "Stop that!", I nearly screamed. They all were silent instantly.

I looked directly at Carlisle now.

"Would you take me as a doctor's assistant?" I asked him silently.

He hestaited at first. Deep in thought many emotions came from him. Then he had a pokerface.

" Do you really want this?" I was just about to answer him when Esme said: "You don't have to play hero. We love you as you are." She walked up to me and hugged me.

I hugged her back, then said: " But I really do want this. You don't know how it is, when you feel the emotion coming from somebody who is abou to die. There is fear, sadness, pain. With killing a human I kill a part of my human side. You can't know how this feels." I had starred at the floor while saying this but now I looked in Carlisle's eyes.

"Do you take me?"

Carlisle started to say something and this time he seemed to be sure if he should say yes or no.

**He he cliffy. This chappie is for gazlover12 my first reviewer and I hope she won't be the last, so remember the is a little button with "review" on it. Click it and see what happens.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything…unfortunately.**

**A/N: Thx to all my dear readers and reviewers and please, please stay put. **

**Carlisle POV**

Should I take him? He was my son at least, I wanted him to be happy. On the other side, this jop was is a hospital. Blood would be involved. And if he lost control... No I shouldn't think this. As a father I wasn't even _allowed _to think that way.

However, I could see it in his eyes, he really wanted this. Maybe it was just like with me. I didn't want to be a monster, I wanted to be good, or at least human. So I learned to control myself. And he could do this, too. I knew it.

" Well Jasper, it seems as if you spent a good time thinking about this. And I really appricate that you want to do that, son, so I know I can trust you."

"Thank you, Carlisle, for having faith in me," he wispered "Thank you for giving me a chance. I will make the best of it." He now said louder. Then he turned around and shuffled up the stairs. Alice followed him silently. She would make him feel better. She always did.

Slowly everyone went back to their rooms, everyone exept Esme.

I didn't notice her at first, I was so deep in thought, so I froze when she lightly touched my cheek to turn my face to hers. First we just looked at each other, then he mouth came nearer to mine till we both were in a pasionly kiss. When she pulled away she looked deep into my eyes.

"Carlisle, I know you did the right thing."

"But he seems scared, and I'm scared for him. " I admitted. "What if it doestn't work out like it should."

" Again Carlisle, the decision is right. You know Jasper. If he really wants, no needs something, he can do it. It is a big chance for him."

"Oh Esme, what would I do if I hadn' met you?"

"I wouln't be the happiest woman on earth with the most georgus husband ever." He voice was low now, a human wouldn't have even noticed her speaking. That made he words even more intense, so I leand down to her and gave her a slow passionly kiss. My lips found hers and at first they were hard as if she still wanted to say something. But then they became softer and opened slowly. She could never resist me.

Then I put my hands around her waist and continued kissing every inch of her neck and throat. When I came to her scar, the scar of me biting her, she chuckled softly.

" Oh Carlisle...", was the only thing she said.

**Alice POV**

When I came in our room I saw Jasper sitting on the floor at the window. He didn't look up when I came in. I sat down beside him and started stroking his hair. That always calmed him a little.

"Jasper there is no need to worry, I will watch out that nothing bad happens. And even if something happens I will still love you, we all will."

"Thanks darlin', but ya know with this a new part of my life will start. If I can do that I will never have to feel these emotions again. I won't be this monster ever again.", he wispered.

"Jasper, you listen to me now. I love you. I did before I even knew you, I do love you now, and I will always love you. And I know you know that too. " My voice was stern but he knew that I just wanted him to know.

"Carlisle will take good care of you. But now let's do something else." Then I leaned closer to him and kissed him while I slowly put my hands around his neck.

"Major Whitelock, what do you do when you have freetime?"

"I do somethink with my wife, ma'am!"

"So now you have freetime! Do what you normally do."

"Yes ma'am!" he saluted with a grin stretched over his face, making his exhausted expression go away.

Then I pulled him on our bed and kissed him. After some minutes he pulled the quilt over us...

******thxforreadingthxforreading**


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